Paranoia, The Destroyer

para·noid adjective : having or showing an unreasonable feeling that people are trying to harm you, do not like you, etc. : feeling or showing paranoia

Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionists.

Am I paranoid in thinking that the above definitions describe me to a T?  Does everyone think I am some paranoid freak?  Oh no!  Did I say something to offend or piss that person off?  Did I come across too strongly?  Desperate?  Maybe I was just too open about things.  Scared that person away.  Why won’t they respond to my emails?  Is that negative Facebook post about me?  I hope they don’t think my Facebook post was about them; I better delete it!
Paranoia is a big, dark cloud that loves to block the sun from my life.  No matter how clear and blue that sky is, that cloud lurks behind me and without warning will just steal my sunshine!

So I either come across too strongly, too friendly, too open or I isolate myself and become very introverted because I feel like I’m a social idiot and people think I’m weird.  I just cannot find that balance of normal.

I don’t think I have always been like this.  I had a pretty social life throughout high school.  I played sports, I had a lot of friends, I think I was nice to everyone.  The same can be said about my college experience.  I played sports, I had a lot of friends, I think I was nice to everyone.  After college it continued, I played sports, I had a lot of friends and I think I was nice to everyone I met.  But now, being social and making new friends scares the living shit out of me.    

When I finally do, meet new friendly people, I am so paranoid of losing their friendship that I overdo it.  I become too friendly, too open, too willing to please.  So I either scare people off or I get taken advantage of.  And when either of those two things happen, I run away and hide, become overly suspicious and paranoid and then I come across as being unfriendly; a bitch; weird!

Before everyone knew what Gluten was, a friend of mine who has Celiac Disease had what is called a “Gluten Free Passport.”  It is basically a card that she carried in her purse and describes what kinds of foods she cannot eat.  They come in multiple languages for all different kinds of ethnic restaurants.  So, if she went to a restaurant and asked the waiter if a certain dish was gluten free and they looked at her as if she just asked them what the square root of pie was, she would sometimes pull out the card and hand it to them and tell them to show that to the chef.

I need a TBI passport.  I want a card that I can hand to every person who tries to become a friend.  As a matter of fact, I need several TBI passports for different occasions.  Depending on the social situation, I can hand out the card that will tell people I have a traumatic brain injury and that they may, no, make that will, encounter odd behavior from me.  Like what you get from the pharmacy when you get a prescription.  The passport will list the side effects of a TBI.

As a matter of fact, I think they should have a commercial on TV about TBI.  You know the kind I am talking about, where there is a couple, happily walking on the beach, laughing, gazing into each other’s eyes, holding hands, laughing.  Then the narration will start, “possible side effects include….”  But instead of saying, “stop using this drug if you experience…,” it will say something like, “reassure them that you understand they have a TBI and their abnormal behavior will not affect your impression of, or relationship with them.”

I guess this is one of the reasons why I am writing this book.  I want to tell the world that those of us who have a TBI are really just normal people deep down.  We want to love and be loved.  We just need some extra TLC.  I know we can be needy and weird and moody and downright crazy at times, but really the only thing we need from you is to understand that this is difficult and painful for us.  We wish we weren’t this way, but we are.  TBI is a real disability.  Just as you are more empathetic to someone with a physical impediment, we hope you can be empathetic about ours as well.  And just like someone with a physical impairment may need a wheelchair, prosthesis, a guide dog, a hearing aide, etc.  Those of us with a traumatic brain injury just need a hug, some kind of reassurance, kind words, a telephone call, a text message, an email, a visit, an invitation for coffee.  We just need a little extra love.

Check out my website at www.tbichick.com for more.

Patience is a Virtue

This is one virtue I do not have.  I think I used to have it or at least had it more than I do now.  I have no patience now.  What is patience anyway.  According to one definition it is, “The ability to wait for something without getting angry or upset.”  Nope, I do not have the ability to be patient. 

I can try to be patient.  In my head, I will try to speak rationally to myself, tell myself that there is no rush, whatever it is will get done, just relax and be patient.  And then BAM, I explode. 

Perhaps part of the reason I am not patient is because I forget too quickly.  I worry that if I don’t complete whatever it is I need to complete right then and there I will forget to do it.  That has happened, that happens everyday actually.  I will start something and get distracted and whatever it was that I was doing will simply not get done until someone one or something reminds me about it.  Most likely, however, it is a problem somewhere within my brain.

My lack of patience gets me into trouble.  It is a trigger of mine.  It triggers the exact thing I lack within the context of the definition of patience.  It is the without getting angry or upset part that I struggle with. 

I struggle with this most as a mom of three young boys, especially one being intellectually disabled.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids more than life itself, but I don’t run on kid time.  If I ask for something  to be done, I want it done right away.  And I know a lot of you parents might be thinking you are the same way but it's different with me.  I can't explain it.

So my family knows when I am in the middle of doing something not to disturb me.  Well, for the most part they understand.  Like when I am doing something like sending an email or posting to Facebook or ebay or Etsy or responding to a letter, I have to do it immediately, and I have to complete it.  I cannot wait until after dinner or until the next day.  Heck, if the house was on fire I would probably want to stay and get what I was doing done before fleeing to safety. 

I guess it could be part OCD.  Like when I read a book, I cannot stop mid chapter.  I need to get to the end of the chapter before I can put the book down until the next time I pick-it-up to read.  And that in itself poses problems for me because I have a lack of attention span AND because I easily forget.  So if a chapter is too long I simply start to get disinterested in what I am reading.  No matter what I am reading, if it is too long I zone out.  Even 50 Shades of Gray, I would be like get to the point already, and there was no point in that book, it was all just descriptions of sexcapades. 

So, my OCD will force me to read until the end of the chapter, but because of my lack of attention span I will read it quickly to get to the end and because of my lack of short term memory, I will forget what I read by the next day anyway.  So you see it’s an endless cycle.

I have a feeling most TBI survivors have to deal with the similar issues.  There are medications that help.   Mostly ADD type medications and I am still trying to find the right one for me, one that my insurance company will pay for.  Because of this I have decided to have the chapters in my book be rather short.  Since my book is about living life with a TBI, I need to write it for those who have a TBI since they are the ones who will get the most out of it.  So the chapters will be short and not too wordy and overly descriptive.  It isn’t for lack of imagination and creativity; it is simply because of the audience it is intended to help.  I’m sure the rest of you will also be grateful I don’t drag out the good parts either.  J

Where to Begin?

I decided to start blogging about my life.  Mainly about my life now that I have a TBI.  Those of us who have a TBI know that each day brings about new struggles.  So when I sat down to start writing, I was like, where do I begin?  I have lived 18 years with a TBI now, I'm writing a book about how I got it, I don't want to have to start all over again.  So I decided I am just going to start from now, today, this very minute.  All the other stuff you can find out by reading my book when it is finally completed.

So lets get right to it.  I'm tired.  I have TBI related fatigue and my neurologist has finally diagnosed me with narcolepsy.  I need medication.  He gave me some samples that worked great, kept me awake and alert all day.  Something I have not experienced in 18 years.  Usually, I have to take at least 2 naps a day.  But the medication he gave me is expensive and now my insurance company is making me go through all of these tests to determine if the medication is really necessary.  I am unable to get appointments to undergo these tests until mid to late Feb so until then, I must struggle again with the constant fatigue.

So what does that mean to me right now, right this minute?  Well, it means the triple shot latte I just drank has done absolutely nothing to help and my brain is starting to shut down, my eyes are heavy, i'm getting cranky and I feel awful.  So my friends, I am going to go take a nap and will try to write some more later.  But I will leave you with this.  This is me, this is my life, this is the real deal.  Some days are better than others, but every day is a struggle.  I face each struggle head-on, I may complain, I may bitch and moan and even curse at times, but, I deal with it and I keep moving forward.  So welcome to my TBI blog.  Now where did I put my blankie??