para·noid adjective
Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionists.
Am I paranoid in thinking that the above definitions describe me to a T? Does everyone think I am some paranoid freak? Oh no! Did I say something to offend or piss that person off? Did I come across too strongly? Desperate? Maybe I was just too open about things. Scared that person away. Why won’t they respond to my emails? Is that negative Facebook post about me? I hope they don’t think my Facebook post was about them; I better delete it!
Paranoia is a big, dark cloud that loves to block the sun from my life. No matter how clear and blue that sky is, that cloud lurks behind me and without warning will just steal my sunshine!
So I either come across too strongly, too friendly, too open or I isolate myself and become very introverted because I feel like I’m a social idiot and people think I’m weird. I just cannot find that balance of normal.
I don’t think I have always been like this. I had a pretty social life throughout high school. I played sports, I had a lot of friends, I think I was nice to everyone. The same can be said about my college experience. I played sports, I had a lot of friends, I think I was nice to everyone. After college it continued, I played sports, I had a lot of friends and I think I was nice to everyone I met. But now, being social and making new friends scares the living shit out of me.
When I finally do, meet new friendly people, I am so paranoid of losing their friendship that I overdo it. I become too friendly, too open, too willing to please. So I either scare people off or I get taken advantage of. And when either of those two things happen, I run away and hide, become overly suspicious and paranoid and then I come across as being unfriendly; a bitch; weird!
Before everyone knew what Gluten was, a friend of mine who has Celiac Disease had what is called a “Gluten Free Passport.” It is basically a card that she carried in her purse and describes what kinds of foods she cannot eat. They come in multiple languages for all different kinds of ethnic restaurants. So, if she went to a restaurant and asked the waiter if a certain dish was gluten free and they looked at her as if she just asked them what the square root of pie was, she would sometimes pull out the card and hand it to them and tell them to show that to the chef.
I need a TBI passport. I want a card that I can hand to every person who tries to become a friend. As a matter of fact, I need several TBI passports for different occasions. Depending on the social situation, I can hand out the card that will tell people I have a traumatic brain injury and that they may, no, make that will, encounter odd behavior from me. Like what you get from the pharmacy when you get a prescription. The passport will list the side effects of a TBI.
As a matter of fact, I think they should have a commercial on TV about TBI. You know the kind I am talking about, where there is a couple, happily walking on the beach, laughing, gazing into each other’s eyes, holding hands, laughing. Then the narration will start, “possible side effects include….” But instead of saying, “stop using this drug if you experience…,” it will say something like, “reassure them that you understand they have a TBI and their abnormal behavior will not affect your impression of, or relationship with them.”
I guess this is one of the reasons why I am writing this book. I want to tell the world that those of us who have a TBI are really just normal people deep down. We want to love and be loved. We just need some extra TLC. I know we can be needy and weird and moody and downright crazy at times, but really the only thing we need from you is to understand that this is difficult and painful for us. We wish we weren’t this way, but we are. TBI is a real disability. Just as you are more empathetic to someone with a physical impediment, we hope you can be empathetic about ours as well. And just like someone with a physical impairment may need a wheelchair, prosthesis, a guide dog, a hearing aide, etc. Those of us with a traumatic brain injury just need a hug, some kind of reassurance, kind words, a telephone call, a text message, an email, a visit, an invitation for coffee. We just need a little extra love.
Check out my website at www.tbichick.com for more.
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