Patience is a Virtue

This is one virtue I do not have.  I think I used to have it or at least had it more than I do now.  I have no patience now.  What is patience anyway.  According to one definition it is, “The ability to wait for something without getting angry or upset.”  Nope, I do not have the ability to be patient. 

I can try to be patient.  In my head, I will try to speak rationally to myself, tell myself that there is no rush, whatever it is will get done, just relax and be patient.  And then BAM, I explode. 

Perhaps part of the reason I am not patient is because I forget too quickly.  I worry that if I don’t complete whatever it is I need to complete right then and there I will forget to do it.  That has happened, that happens everyday actually.  I will start something and get distracted and whatever it was that I was doing will simply not get done until someone one or something reminds me about it.  Most likely, however, it is a problem somewhere within my brain.

My lack of patience gets me into trouble.  It is a trigger of mine.  It triggers the exact thing I lack within the context of the definition of patience.  It is the without getting angry or upset part that I struggle with. 

I struggle with this most as a mom of three young boys, especially one being intellectually disabled.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids more than life itself, but I don’t run on kid time.  If I ask for something  to be done, I want it done right away.  And I know a lot of you parents might be thinking you are the same way but it's different with me.  I can't explain it.

So my family knows when I am in the middle of doing something not to disturb me.  Well, for the most part they understand.  Like when I am doing something like sending an email or posting to Facebook or ebay or Etsy or responding to a letter, I have to do it immediately, and I have to complete it.  I cannot wait until after dinner or until the next day.  Heck, if the house was on fire I would probably want to stay and get what I was doing done before fleeing to safety. 

I guess it could be part OCD.  Like when I read a book, I cannot stop mid chapter.  I need to get to the end of the chapter before I can put the book down until the next time I pick-it-up to read.  And that in itself poses problems for me because I have a lack of attention span AND because I easily forget.  So if a chapter is too long I simply start to get disinterested in what I am reading.  No matter what I am reading, if it is too long I zone out.  Even 50 Shades of Gray, I would be like get to the point already, and there was no point in that book, it was all just descriptions of sexcapades. 

So, my OCD will force me to read until the end of the chapter, but because of my lack of attention span I will read it quickly to get to the end and because of my lack of short term memory, I will forget what I read by the next day anyway.  So you see it’s an endless cycle.

I have a feeling most TBI survivors have to deal with the similar issues.  There are medications that help.   Mostly ADD type medications and I am still trying to find the right one for me, one that my insurance company will pay for.  Because of this I have decided to have the chapters in my book be rather short.  Since my book is about living life with a TBI, I need to write it for those who have a TBI since they are the ones who will get the most out of it.  So the chapters will be short and not too wordy and overly descriptive.  It isn’t for lack of imagination and creativity; it is simply because of the audience it is intended to help.  I’m sure the rest of you will also be grateful I don’t drag out the good parts either.  J